Depression

As most of you know, you won’t just read of beautiful beaches, palm trees, and sugar-plum fairies here at my blog. I like writing about real life, and real life voyaging abroad.

Losing Robin Williams to suicide has really affected me, and given me strength to write about some things that are difficult for me to write about or admit.

My closest friends know my story and I’ve touched on the subject of depression and suicide in my blogs a few times over the years because it is something that is close to me. I also feel it’s something I need to write about because my audience (mostly men) don’t like to talk about their feelings and tend to sweep them under the carpet. Knowing you’re not alone is imperative and the first step to beating it.

So very many of my readers reach out to me and tell me why they can’t walk away from the system, go sailing, and live their dreams. Every day I hear about family and marital obligations, “moral” obligations, financial restrictions, and it’s all bullshit.

I suppose it’s easy for me to say it’s all bullshit from my perspective, but it’s suicide and depression that got me here. Suicide was the crossroad that gave me the strength to live, and luckily I chose my path wisely.

I came about a millimeter away from checking out on a beach in Malibu back in 2001. It’s hard for me to write about or admit that I was ever that weak and lost but I was. I can also tell you that putting a gun in my mouth was the best thing I ever did as it really put my life into perspective. I haven’t had a thought of suicide since that night thirteen years ago. I won the battle!

I wasn’t depressed because I didn’t have money or love. I was depressed because I just couldn’t live in a system where I had to work every day of my life and support a system that I didn’t believe in. Everything I was doing was wrong. I didn’t like waking up to an alarm and doing the same mundane shit every day. I didn’t like supporting war, or a puritan society that repressed my dreams and the dreams of my fellow man. I despised eating packaged meat and not hunting, driving and not walking, and sitting in front of a fucking television wasting my life away watching fictitious men live a life of freedom when I felt I should be doing the same.

Why couldn’t I get out? Why did I feel trapped? Why did I feel I had no other options?

Programming, conditioning, guilt, and imposed responsibilities. The puritan idea that we need to send our children to school and not educate them ourselves. To work to build a society that conquers others and represses individual spirituality, thought, and creativity. These were my enemies, and the demons that nearly took my life.

Fear guards the gates of freedom, and fear is what stops my readers from living their dreams.

The reality is you can most likely sell your car for the money to buy a boat, trade your flat screen for a spear gun, and teach your children what life is really about aboard an inexpensive boat sailing the world.

Many of my closest friends were cruising kids and never stepped foot in a classroom. They are the sharpest and most successful people I know. And I don’t weigh “success” with numbers, I weigh it with Love.

The reality is, before I put a gun in my mouth, I was a fucking monkey. I was chasing bananas, trying to please my owner and be an obedient citizen. I was living in a society where if I didn’t pay my taxes for shit that I didn’t believe in I would go to jail. If I drove too fast, smoked marijuana, or didn’t conform I would go to jail.

When I pulled the gun out of my mouth it was five words I promised myself I would NEVER forget: “Not one more fucking day!” This is still my mantra today.

My suicide attempt is the opening of the book I’m writing, and the chapter is entitled “The epiphany” because my suicide attempt is what saved my life and freed my soul.

I have a very close friend and a man I love very much who is fighting depression and suicidal thoughts. I worry about him all the time because I know that hopeless feeling of depression. But I also know life on the other side and know it’s a reality.  

The fear of change is the hurdle. Change in dark times should be a welcome guest but, for many of us, hiding in a dark corner with a bottle of alcohol is more comfortable.

Fuck what people think. If they belittle your hopes, dreams, and aspirations you need to put them in your rear view mirror and never look back. Love is support, Love is understanding, and Love is what we need to teach to our children.

My blogs automatically get posted to my Facebook page which is something I’m on the fence about. I have many “friends” on Facebook that post anti-republican, anti-democrat, anti-Muslim, anti-Mexican, and lots of anti-other men crap. All I have to say to you guys is you should realize you’re not my “friend”. I have no time for people who hate anymore, but I do hope I can inspire you through my writing so you may find peace and understanding. By posting  “us and them” hatred you’re building a wall that traps not only yourselves, but the freedom of mankind itself. Freedom is Love, and if it’s something you seek you should be tearing down the wall, not cementing bricks onto it. Real men Love, little men judge.

If you know of other men who are depressed regardless of their religion, class, or political views,  make it your business to Love, understand, and extend your hand to them.

I will miss Robin Williams with all my heart, the world is a much smaller place without him! He was a sensitive man that gave much more than he took from this world, losing him is a real tragedy. He was one of my personal heroes. Thanks for all the laughs!

Peace

Sail far and live slowly.

– alex

Published in Alex Dorsey