A few months back, something became clear to me. I have the ability to control time, at least subjectively.
I believe everything happens for a reason, even a FedEx screw-up.
I was waiting for an envelope from Europe with some new boat papers. It was supposed to arrive by DHL, right to the marina. They sent it by FedEx instead, AHHHHHH! FedEx won’t deliver to the marina, and their office is inside the gated canal free zone in Colón, Panama. I had to bribe my way in just to pick up the envelope. Three hours round trip, and a nightmare day for something that was supposed to show up at my door.
The FedEx office was a tiny room facing a parking lot. I’d be surprised if they got a dozen visitors a day. The woman at the desk saw me pull up in my old beat-up Land Cruiser (2002). When I told her my name, she knew exactly who I was, as my envelope had been sitting there for ten days or so.
I explained the mix-up and we had a laugh about it. She told me, proudly, that she’d been working there nearly 15 years. Then she asked if I was driving around the world. My truck is set up as a camper/overlander, so I could see why she’d ask. I told her I traveled on my sailboat and used the truck to camp and explore Panama.
She gave me an odd look. There was something desperate in her eyes when she asked in broken English, “so you just do what you want to do”?
I didn’t quite know how to answer her and shrugged it off with a smile and a kind look.
I’d been doing what I want for the most part for so long that I hadn’t really thought of it that way. A day behind a desk and a day doing something you love both get 24 hours. They sure don’t feel the same. I thought about that on the whole drive home. I still think about it today, hence this blog.
I’d already spent a fair amount of time that year wondering how much time I have left as I had recently turned 61 and had some serious health issues.
About a year ago, I got my truck caught in a river crossing when a flash flood hit. The water was over the hood and the cab flooded. The truck has a snorkel, so I kept the engine running while I fought with the winch for 90 minutes or so trying to get us out of the river. The worst Part is Nacho was being washed away and I almost lost him to the jungle down stream, lots of crocodiles. I also got a few cuts and scrapes in the process and didn’t think much of them but eventually got us out of the river with the help of a local farmer and his tractor.
About three weeks later, I started getting really sick. The river never crossed my mind. A few weeks after that I was in the hospital being treated for dengue fever, and I was getting worse. After five days in the hospital, my organs were failing. They couldn’t get a regular IV in anymore, so they put in a PICC line directly into my heart.
The hospital contacted the Gorgas Institute in Panama which specializes in tropical diseases. A doctor came and talked with me for about an hour. She asked about my life and what I did as a sailor. It made me uncomfortable. I thought she was just being kind to a dying man, or possibly a religious worker sending me on my way to heaven.
Then I happened to mention the river and my experience with the flash-flood. She said she understood and ordered a blood test. It came back positive for Leptospirosis. I’d never heard of it, but it comes from animal urine and people often contract it during a flash flood from the runoff of cattle farms.
That night I said goodbye to the woman I was dating at the time. I didn’t think I was leaving the hospital. A few days later I did. For two weeks I gave myself IV antibiotics through the PICC line twice a day on the boat. I was weak and had lost a bunch of weight, but I made it through alive.
After that I quit drinking, separated for my girlfriend, and paid more attention to what I ate while I recovered. About six months later I had a stroke and spent another 5 days in hospital. At first I didn’t connect the two and just chalked it up to poor diet decisions and alcohol consumption. Later I wondered whether the infection had something to do with it, which I believe it did due to blood vessel damage. Somewhere in there I also had some skin cancer turn up, which I got removed right away, quite a shitty year regarding my health. I am very grateful to have affordable health insurance in Panama.
I spent a lot of time thinking about how I’d spent my life. I’d made some peace with the idea that my time might be up. Since then, I’ve cherished my days in a way I hadn’t before. There was a while during my recovery in which I needed the assistance of a cane and got one with a skull handle. A buddy said it was a bit cryptic given the circumstances and my reply was, “when the Grim Reaper comes I want greet him as an old friend, one that I know well, and with a smile.”
Over the last few weeks, while redesigning my website, I went back and read all my old blog posts and watched all my videos. I’d forgotten how I have lived my life and had started taking it for granted. That’s what I mean about bending time to our will, for the most part I believe I have done that. It is important to chase our dreams with a vengeance until that final day comes. As I quoted Neil Young in my last blog, “It’s better to burn out than fade away.” Important words to live by.
And when that day eventually comes, I hope to greet it with a smile. My regrets are few, and I’ve got plenty to be grateful for. I eat well now, I do not consume any more alcohol, and do my best to live each day as if it were my last. I’m also careful about giving my time away, and who receives it.
Live well. Sail Far and Live Slowly.
Carpe diem.
Peace, Love, and coconuts.
-Alex