So much time!

I know so many sailors who brave the oceans, cry like babies when it gets bad, and then tell stories of strength “Ahhh pieceacake”, I vow not to do this. It is important to me to honestly communicate my experiences onboard my little ship, an experiment if you wish.  I always wondered what it would be like to set sail upon the open world. What would I see? What would I learn? Who would I become? Are questions that drifted through the corners of my imagination for most of my life? One thing I have learned is that the world is not filled with enemies and that we should venture to see it.

I’ve always been fascinated by solitary confinement & castaways. What happens to a man when locked away or stranded? What would I learn about myself, what walls would be broken?

 

The miles are grinding slowly once again. When I was looking forward to crossing my 1000 mile mark the wind slowed to make it as painful a process as possible. The same is happening with my 500 mile mark. The wind is but a breath; and I find myself trying to figure out the meaning of my meager existence once again.

I didn’t sleep much last night, not because of the weather, but because I spent most of the night wandering the halls of my memory castle. Some doors are locked and the memories behind them hard to look at, but just a peek.

I think we (humans) tend to burry memories we are not happy with. Perhaps the key to freedom lay in these memories? Denial…, what a bitter pill to swallow! I’m not happy with all of my past. I’ve hurt people that I’ve loved, and my carrier was far to important to me in my 20’s and early 30’s, I was so driven that I walked all over people that I cared about and I’m ashamed of it! The scary thing is I haven’t done anything that unusual. Hurting people we love is common practice and we often forget what is truly important and place money and success above friendship and love.

I think we all, especially men, tend to cram things we don’t want to see into a tiny steel box in our soul and forget about them. Just like Davie Jones I too cut my heart out many years ago, put it in a box, and covered it in the deepest hole I could find. Problem is I don’t know where I put the damn key. It is important that I find it. It’s occurred to me that I might be terribly lost. What am I really looking for? Could I have been running away from myself under the air of adventure?

I’m not a religious man, however I conceder myself spiritual. Many people ask God for forgiveness, how convenient and easy, how often do we ask it of ourselves for it?

I guess the point of this log is nothing more then me realizing that I can’t change the past, however I can sculpt my future, and I’m eager and waiting with chisel in hand.

I’m very weary of posting some logs but I feel a strange responsibility. I really don’t know why I’ve chosen to share my personal thoughts; perhaps my candor will help others?

I managed to fix the autopilot today. I also changed the oil and I’m cheating a bit and running the motor. I have plenty of fuel; I just dread the cost of replacing it @ $5.00 a gallon.

I am hungry for conversation, red meat, fresh fruits and vegetables. Sometime in the night I will pass my 500 mile mark, not much further.

U2 said it best, “But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for”!

Peace.

– Alex