I have something to say sooner than I had expected. I believe there is a point in my ramblings, at least one that I am looking for.
I’m still in Isla Linton contemplating the last years of my life. I’ve done my fair share of drinking and feeling sorry for myself but I believe it is coming to an end.
I like this anchorage but one of the things I dislike is I haven’t been spear fishing. Some company in the last 4 years has come and put fish farms in the local water. My friend Ben from Zazoo told Sam and I he was spear fishing near the farms and was confronted with a large tiger shark, he said it was unaggressive though. I guess the mass amounts of fish in the pens create an energy that attract large pelagic (ocean going) sharks to the area from the sea. So this is the reason I haven’t been spear fishing. Fear of the sea has never been my weakness though, these days I fear petulance has been.
We’ll, I decided to go anyway as I really want to shoot some fish and I’ve been confronted with pelagic sharks in the past. I’ve never really had a problem. I can also think on the reef. Reef sharks however are a daily occurrence. When Sam and I were in the San Blas there was a large, 6’ or so nurse shark under Splendid, I told her to go in and make friends. She looked at me funnily but bravely did it. They swam around together at arms length for ten minutes or so. She really enjoyed the experience. There is an honesty, beauty, and natural order in the sea. How I wish it was so in our society.
Well I had a strange experience on the reef today near the fish farms. I shot two nice fish in less than 5 minutes. The fish were offering themselves to my spear, two shots through the eye. It was odd. I could have easily shot ten more. No big sharks to be found. I’ve had pretty bad luck spear fishing since I left Tahiti and it got me thinking deeply. My internal energy has changed, I always thought I was just out of practice or I was having bad luck. Why have I been so un-centered in the past years?
When I entered Tahiti I was the humble zen-master of the entire world. Fish, women, opportunities, and coconuts even fell to my feet when I was thirsty. It was my energy. I was at my natural center, and thus the world gravitated towards me. I believe this happens when people walk their true path.
My life changed as I was drinking a Hinano (Tahitian beer), and was checking out a beautiful 70 foot steal schooner underneath a fine Polynesian sky. You could go back and find the log (July 07ish), I believe there is a picture of the boat, she was a beauty!
Anyway, at that moment I decided I needed a bigger boat. Before that moment I was centered, contempt, and calm. After that moment my mind wandered. I sent emails, made phone calls, and sold Namaste. It was difficult to squander a price for a little ship that had taken me so far and I loved so much. After that my energy in Raratonga, Bora-Bora and the long miles west were filled with delivering Namaste to Australia. After Australia my mind was on Tokyo and finishing my film. After that I was back in the states buying and putting Splendid together. And after that I fell in Love with Samantha. Talk about a moment of sheer beauty; the first time I laid my eyes on her I was speechless and stunned like a deer in the head lights. She is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, inside as well! I believe that to this day. After that I was worried about our “freedom”, and more and more things became difficult, regardless of the copious amount of love in my life.
In order to add insult to injury, I feel I was treated badly by my home the years I was back, thus depleting my internal energy even more. I had 4, or 5 experiences where various police would pull me over and harass me (for money) on the water for some reason or another, 4, or 5 more in the car. Twice I was boarded in my home by the coast guard, and once very aggressively at two in the morning. There was a large shouting match between myself and an inflatable full of Coast Guard kids, 7 or so (none over 22). They had guns, they tried to board me and I stopped them! My instinct was to reach for an assault rifle because my women and child were on board. They asked me if I was armed and I said “in my closet at arms length”. Sam was unclothed and Guinevere sleeping in the v-birth. I don’t care who it is, I don’t want 7 armed boys or men entering my home at two in the morning or anytime for that matter, is that so much to ask? I think they were training or something and Splendid was the target? These boys were very aggressive and Sam, wrapped in a sheet, finally calmed us all down. She has a magically peaceful way about her; it’s quite beautiful to witness. In the end one boy timidly boarded for about thirty seconds to satisfy his pride and I swallowed mine, something I should have done much sooner, but how can we live in a community where we are to fear the ones who are paid to protect us?
What happened in the years I’d left my home?
A few months earlier a police officer was shot in the face and killed just a block away from where Sam was working in Fort Myers. A few weeks after that Sam’s home broken into. A few months after that my sister was attacked by police in her home in Atlanta. She was having a “lunar eclipse” party and I’m sure they were being too loud and drinking, she’s young. She was tazed three times and her arm was broken (above the elbow) in her own living room. I don’t care how small the officers were it doesn’t take 3 cops with tazers and a broken arm to take my little sister down. How do you break an arm above the elbow?
In all my travels I’ve never witnessed such aggression as I did the years I was back home. What the hell is going on?
All I wanted was to return to my zen-state with my two beautiful girls and give them the peace and safety I once knew.
A friend of Sam and mine once told us “Freedom is not something anyone can give you; it’s something you demand and take”! It’s true, ‘freedom isn’t a coordinate, or a country, it’s a state of mind’! It’s not in the San Blas, Bora-Bora, or in America. Mine was with my girls, and in the sea!
Oh how I wanted Sam and Guin to live in total peace like I once had. Sadly, in the end it was not a gift I could give them.
Looking back our situation was impossible no matter how much Sam or I wanted it to work. Guin was away from her biological father, and he refused to come visit her. He doesn’t like to travel. If I had only met Sam before Guin I thought for the briefest moment, but then there would be no Guin, and I really do love that little girl so. It was an impossible situation from the beginning but one that had to take its course. I hope it was all for the best, and I pray I left more in my wake than I took.
Perhaps Love is the absence of reason?
Sam and I thought her father not having to pay child support and giving them their freedom and such an opportunity was enough. All we asked is for him to pay for his travel expenses and see his daughter whenever he wanted. I suppose it wasn’t enough and he was quite unhappy with the arrangement. It’s so difficult when a child is involved isn’t it? A conundrum! Anyway my energy dwindled even more and I became lost and un-centered during this time.
Speaking of energy, I had an experience in the Bahamas with Sam and Guin that comes to mind. Guin was snorkeling in-between us. And as always my mind was on shooting a fish which is impossible with a newly turned 5 year old thrashing about. Sam saw it first…, a beautiful and majestic spotted eagle ray entered our space. Its wing span must have been 6-8 feet. It was inquisitive, timid, and interested in us. It was coming to say hello. Sam and Guin were giving it such permission through their energy and curiosity. I saw something large out of the corner of my eye and looked at it. I didn’t make any sharp movements or sounds, but it tensed and took a defensive pose as soon as I was aware of it. Before I realized what it was, and harmless, my gut reaction was to protect, and it felt it like a ton of bricks. Like an invisible shock wave through the water it realized young was around me and it shouldn’t continue its inquisition. Sea creators are so sensitive to such energy.
When we talk about energy we think of women in health food stores wearing purple and burning incense. But there is real energy, not magnetic or electronic that we just don’t have a meter for yet. Perhaps one day we could go to harbor freight or home depot and pick up a love, peace, or perhaps a fear meter. But for now it is a mystery that we know nothing about, and mood rings can only measure such things.
If we could take one of those futuristic love meters and place it between myself and Sam it would peg and blow a fuse. The rub is our “peace” meters would always be clouded as Guin had a different father and fish would offer themselves to me no more. Her father was so unhappy with our lifestyle, and his negative energy hung in our gallows every day. I don’t blame him for it anymore, it is just the way it was.
Why must life be so?
I thought it would take longer. I thought I’d have to drown at the bottom of a rum bottle for months or years in order to find peace again, but the fish have given me a great gift. They are my peace meter, it’s so simple really. They offered themselves to me because I’m where I should be, and at the natural center of my spirit. I believe we are so lost without nature. Our senses are dull in society. The fish know more about peace and order than our governments will ever know. If my girls could only be with me, however this is too much to ask!
Michael (Guin’s dad) called me an egotist the other day. I don’t really know how to take that? I’ve called him much worse so I’m not pointing any fingers but perhaps he’s right? Do I believe that men should measure themselves against each other, I do. I know that scale should not be money, power, or fame though. It should be strength of heart, honor, honesty, and something I’ve been lacking lately, humility. In my years at sea I always prided myself on my peace and humbleness. Lately I’ve been fighting for something I could not win and have become a bear, especially to Sam, I’m sorry for that!
In response to my harsh words in an email I sent Michael he replied “I’ve learned long ago not to argue with someone unless they’re also willing to lose”. I suppose that’s like saying “only fight the battles you can win” right? I guess that’s it in a nutshell! The difference between him and I, and I most men for that matter. I believe we should fight the battles we believe in, no matter the cost. I suppose that would make me belligerent, stubborn, and not the wiser man? If we only fight the battles we can win though, how small does our world get, and what kind of men do we become? I believe that kind of attitude makes us feeble, all be it the wiser. I’m not a wise man. If I was wise I’d still have my girls, and have bent my beliefs. I believe with every inch of my soul we must be true to our hearts, and walk our paths!
When a large shark enters your area it’s been my experience he will pass you head on. It looks you in the eye to sum up your energy. I suppose if you were to flail about and run you might get attacked? Fight the battles you can win right? I usually will make a small gesture to swim just a little closer. I also carry a .223 power head with me which would probably be just enough to piss off such a predator.
My precious Samantha caught in the middle of Guin’s father, and my egotistical beliefs of freedom. If I had been more pliable I’d still have them but I would not be me, and I know that would be dishonest to Sam. Even If I returned to cruise back in the states our peace meters would never ring true again. My God I do Love them so. This has been such a difficult time for me, Sam and I don’t talk anymore, this is hard. I wish I could cut out my heart out and cast it to the depths. A river of my tears will always flow in the sea for them. The truth is Sam and Guin deserve a much better, wiser, and practical man than I can be. This realization is even harder.
If you truly love something you must set it free. I believe that is all I can do.
My head cleared a bit on the reef today. Sea water washed my tears away as I had cried in my mask, they taste the same you know, and I made a nice fish soup for dinner. Am I an egotist for believing I could sail away with Sam and Guin, perhaps, but I had to try, it’s my nature!
I do so believe in the cruising family though and will write about it more in the future. I am however single-hander that is to sail, write, and film the sea alone, I will make peace with that at some point.
I believe I have the right to govern myself. I also believed I had the right to live free with Sam who wanted the same thing for her daughter, how crazy is that? I supposed if you put us in a court room, our peers they would judge Sam and my dreams impractical, as most of “society” would. If I am going to be judged by anyone let it be by the reef!
Sam is really the best woman I know, and I know she will find her way with Guin. In anger I told her I didn’t think she was a strong woman and I am so humbly wrong. I don’t agree with all her decisions, nor she with mine. We met an impasse in our lives and such are the dealings at the end of a relationship. I was small for saying such a thing, I’m sorry Samantha!
The plight of a single mother is one I know all too well. My father left when I was 4 and I watched my mother try to find a man, and father for me her whole life. Men came and went, it broke my heart because I knew I was the reason they didn’t stay. She was also such a beautiful woman. She passed away alone at the young age forty-two. Perhaps this is why I hug on to Samantha and Guin so, over- protectively?
I pray Sam finds Love again and that he is more than me, and his lifestyle more to the liking of Guinevere’s father.
Michael, Samantha deserves her freedom; please give it to her from this moment forward. She deserves the right to live in New Jersey near her family, please support this. You know if you ask her to stay in Fort Myers she will agree as she is more unselfish that you and I put together could ever aspire to be in ten lifetimes. Please put an end to the guilt. She has no family in Fort Myers. I ask this heart broken, humble, and without my girls. Do not make a judge bind her away from her family. You must take responsibility to travel a bit for the mother of your child. She has always been good to you.
I’ve found a little peace on the reef today; I pray Sam will find hers.
I have not been writing from my heart since Tahiti, which will change. I know my ramblings have nothing to do with cruising and I apologize for that. These are the last words I will write about matters of my heart. I just needed to express myself.
Peace, Love, and humility.
– Alex
Having a video camera with proper glass is essential to what i want to do. I want the next film to be beautiful, as well as informative and inspiring. I’ be getting to filming ASAP!
cruising permit. For the moment I’m enjoying the peace of not have cellular waves invading my space and eating my brain. 
to Jose Pobre. There were probably 500 or more people and the young girls were all competing to be this years queen. There was a really good vibe about the air. This is the biggest party in the area all year, there was a ton of live music, dancing, and drinking. 
I ended up at Hanz’s restaurant for dinner. We were the only ones around and he made me a nice chuleta (pork chop) with rice and salad. We had a few beers and watched the rain as he did his nightly ritual of lighting the oil lamps. 
